Yawn. Yet another Hollywood Fashion Naptime. I don’t get it. Most of these ladies are beautiful and have the figures to wear anything. They also have access to the world’s greatest sartorial artists and jewelers. And yet? Solid-color strapless. Solid-color one-shoulder. Detail-free black. STILL with the goddamned nude platforms. White diamonds. There was a lot of ho-hum, a few high points, and maybe one or two great looks – - but nothing spectacular. I like the yellows and the greens. Kinda over the purples for now. Here’s hoping they’re saving up the spectacular for the Oscars.

Amanda Peet, this dress is not right for you. This could’ve worked on, say, Saldana. Very tall, very willowy, and a ballerina bun rather than a ponytail.

Claire Danes, proving that it does not have to have color to have impact.

I love how she expertly said, “This is an over-the-shoulder dress.” Truth, Claire.

Angelina Jolie. I can’t believe she wore something interesting! SHOCKED. This is a win, although if it were up to me, she’d have had on red shoes, a silver and red patterned sparkle clutch, less eye makeup and about 20 more pounds.

Bill Nighy. Just because he’s Bill Nighy.

Brooke Anderson. No idea who she is, but damn she needs a sandwich.

Busy Phillips. Why is her name Busy? Is that really her name? Weird. I don’t dislike this; I don’t like this either. She’s just kinda there.

Charlize, wearing Dior, naturellement. Because, she (*breathless voice*): adores Dior. Me too, except I miss Galliano designs so, so, so much.  This is a lovely dress. It’s interesting, it’s pretty, it suits its wearer. Headband, good. The only issue here is the makeup. She needed some slightly punched up makeup because the face is washing out. Just a little extra pinking up of the cheeks and  lips. I quite like the shoe choice. Note that she is going with a neutral ensemble and NOT wearing Those Goddamned Nude Platforms. YES.

Sigh, Debra Messing. I honestly, truthfully don’t understand an actress’s desire to wear one of these gowns that is basically a bunch of twisty satin. It’s not terribly artfully twisted satin, it’s eating her alive a bit, and it’s detail-free black. She can do so much better.

Diana Agron. This is a Glee chick, right? This girl needs to work on developing a signature style because I can never distinguish her as Oh, That’s Diana Agron. She’s got a great dress here. Really interesting and pretty and it works well on her. I love the sort of swan-ish cutouts at the shoulders. This is an example of a tiered skirt working for its wearer, Amanda Peet.

Emma Stone. Hate it. Love her, hate this. Hate the random Jetson shoulders, hate the colors, HATE the belt that looks like it’s clasped by a Nazi eagle.

Evan Rachel Wood, I’m not sure about this dress for you. It’s certainly a cool dress, what with the feather and scales and greens and such. But, it feels kind of beyond ERW. It feels like a dress for Penelope Cruz. Evan, you have great style; give Penny her dress back!

Glenn Close. Meh. I don’t think velvet – - or heavy brocade (Catherine Zeta-Jones in that giant dark green gown a while back) – - or any “winter” fabrics work very well at these events because they’re so very California.

Heidi Klum, phoning it in.

Helen Mirren, Meh. Navy rarely does anything for me and this dress just looks like more Designer Twisted Up Satin.

Jessica Alba. Pretty, a little bit Mother of The Bride, not bad, not great.

Jessica Biel, I have no idea. I’m sure it’s a lovely dress. Why she is wearing it to this event with all the lace and long sleeves and hair down and I don’t know, it just doesn’t make any sense.

Jessica Chastain looks like she got First Lady-ified by some campaign manager. And not in a good, stylist First Lady, Michelle Obama kind of way. I think it’s mostly the news anchor hair and Barbara Bush’s giant pearl stud earrings. It’s a pretty dress, but needs to be balanced out. Remove all pearly accessories, give her a ponytail and a hot pink lip.

Jodie Foster is such an attractive woman; and she does not age. It’s not the most spectacular dress in the world, but she’s not a fashion person, so it would be weird if she showed up in some giant Marchesa. Pretty dress, great color, suits her, like the bob. Win.

Julianna Margulies in a So Close. Props for the color-pop via the turquoise earrings, but it needs a little more. Add a turquoise ring and a few small but colorful bangles: violet, turquoise, fuschia.

Julie Bowen is clearly going for a very particular look here. Modern Grace Kelly. And I like it and it’s working, *almost*. That dress is just too nude, so we’ve got another wash out. If the dress was a smidge more peach or pink or mauve or grey, it would’ve worked better.

Kate Winslet, looking pissed off in a rather boring dress.

Katharine McPhee. Washed out + Those Goddamned Nude Platforms = fail.

Even Mila Kunis looks unhappy about this dress. It’s a massive wasted opportunity. “Hey, I’m one of the hottest young ladies in Hollywood right now, I’m beautiful, and I have the coloring and figure to wear anything. I know! I’ll wear a detail-free solid-black one-shoulder dress and be sure to stay away from any interesting jewelry, makeup or hairstyles.” I mean, it’s a pretty dress in itself, sure. But, come on!

A lot of people crack on Lea Michelle for her Pose-Hard and her Try-Hard and Diva-Tude. Look, I’ll take a Try-Hard over a Borefest any day. I don’t love this dress and I think it’s too beyond Lea. This is a dress for Halle Berry. BUT, Lea gets props for at least showing up in something that doesn’t immediately put me to sleep.

Madonna and Andrea Riseborough. The dresses are a study in contrasts. But let’s talk about Madge. I love this look from Madge. Sparkles, cap sleeves to hide her terrifyingly strong shoulders, *artfully* twisted satin skirt with some edge. I also love that she still wears a giant crucifix. And I’m going to just assume/imagine/pretend that the single glove – which adds another great touch of edge and Madonna-ness – is a silent tribute to Michael Jackson. BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE.

Thank God for Maria Menounos. Another great take on the yellow mini-craze, this time Miami-styles. Love it.

This is a travesty. Melissa McCarthy’s people should be shot, execution-style, for letting this happen. The woman is overweight, ok, fine, she’s not going to be wearing Versace cut to her belly button. However, a completely shapeless dark green sack? No real bling? Pompadour hair? Really? We’ve seen plenty of heavier women look smashing in red carpet glamwear. Somebody did Melissa wrong.

Michelle Williams. I can’t.

Another So Close. Mireille Enos here showing another iteration of the yellow mini-craze. A beautiful dress. And yet, she’s managing to wash out a bit – - even with a red lip! The dress is great, the styling sucks. Remove all accessories. Take the hair down and let it flow wild and free a la Nichole Kidman in the 90′s. Pull a Reese and add red open-toe shoes. And a carnelian/ruby long-length lariat necklace. Would’ve been pretty great. Based on what I see peeking out from the hem of her dress, I shudder to think what kind of hideous platform nonsense is happening on her feet.

I like this color. I don’t like the big hip flower. I think there is too much of the diaphanous gold overlay on the skirt. Get rid of the hip flower, add a thin black ribbon belt, and move/remove the gold overlay so that is exists only as  a sort of side panel, some of those badass black and gold Gucci heels.

Here we have detail-laden black – how lovely! I also appreciate the green clutch and short, un-”done”-looking hair.

Smugface Portman. Pink and red, AGAIN? Too reminiscent of her pink/red rose dress. You know who should have worn this dress? Michelle Williams.

Nicole Kidman, bringing it. Fabulous Versace dress.

Nichole Richie is another So Close. Love the dress, hate the styling. Keep the dress, remove all accessories and hair. Now: blunt bang-ed bob, heavily kohl-ed eyes, black/onyx/marcasite jewels, shoes, bag, for a slightly flapper, slightly Goth vibe.

Paula Patton. I hate this dress cut. Standard issue mermaid with twisted up satin. But the color saves her. However, Maria did it better.

Piper Perabo, channeling her inner Little Girl. I love this. One of my favorites of the evening. The dress is princess-y but also Judy Jetson-esque. And I love the fun Piper is having with it.

Reese surprises me here. She usually has good style. This is not hideous or anything, but it’s VERY standard issue. Standard issue satin mermaid. Standard issue H-wood blonde waves. Reese, you are better than this.

Rooney Mara, with her snotty interviews and her insistence on always wearing minimalist black with cut-outs……I just want to slap her.

Buffy, wearing a beautiful, ARTFUL dress, goddammit. Yay!

Shailene Woodley, washed out as all hell. Pretty dress though, IF WE COULD SEE IT.

Sofia Vergara can wear whatever the hell she wants.

Dear Tina Fey:  Meh.  And your dress is eating you alive.

Viola Davis gets a pass for doing the solid-color/one-shoulder/Grecian thing because she’s a newcomer, the color is great is on her and she’s making damn sure we see her leg and her shoes. Which are NOT Goddamned Nude Platforms.

Some Deschanels. I like this green Prada. It’s suitably quirky for Zooey here. And it’s interesting. And a nice take on the green mini-craze. It looks like the bodice and bag might be made of Haute Astro Turf, which would be awesome.

And now, I give you, the eeeeeeeeeaaasssyy Best Dressed of the night: Tilda Swinton. Granted, she is probably an alien and given her stature and features, can make a sack look interesting and striking. But, even for Tilda, this was awesome. It’s a mermaid, but WAY restrained mermaid. The color is GORGEOUS. And the icy shade combined with her features and that FANTASTIC hair? The swish around the waist of the jacket and James Dean-ed treatment of the lapels? The interesting/beautiful/non-white diamond jewelry? Please. She OWNED  this event.

SO, my top picks, AFTER Swinton, in no particular order:

Piper Perabo

Maria Menounos

Buffy

Angelina Jolie

Nicole Kidman

I love orange. Am obsessed with orange. AND she’s wearing purple shoes. This might be my favorite. Maybe. And I’m not going to say anything about her “new body” because, barf, way too much emphasis on that kind of crap. I’d rather focus on ORANGE. Yay! And I love the look on her face, which seems to say “Yeah, I got this. Soak it in, people.”

Random: Has anyone, in the course of their acceptance speech, told their kids that it’s time to go to bed? Would be nice to get through an awards show without one of those. Just for the hell of it.

Also, ORANGE:

I can’t get into either of these two. Not sure why. Totally bored with ‘em both and, again, not sure why. Lots of shades of purple this evening. Lilac, particularly. A trend, I guess. Hasn’t purple already been The Hot Fashion Color recently? I dunno, whatevs.