Oscar Fashion Wish List

February 25, 2011, 4:01 pm
Filed under: art, ornaments, party girls, prince

1. Floofy, interesting Marchesa gowns. Like, mebbe some of these.

2. Giant, colorful John Galliano dressbombs.

3. NO GODDAMN NUDE PLATFORM PUMPS. I MEAN IT.

Celeb/Stylist: Howzabout these?

No.

Celeb/Stylist: Well then, what about these?

NO.

Celeb/Stylist: …..These??

NOOOO!!!!!

Celeb/Stylist: Ooooh, I know…these!

(Celeb/Stylist meets with unfortunate accident involving being thrown into the East River whilst wearing nude platform pumps *encased in concrete*.)

3. More jewelry that is not standard issue Neil Lane white diamond stuff. Also, hair jewelry. Also, hair flowers.

4. No one-shoulder gowns. I don’t hate them; I actually like them. But, it’s been one-shoulder overkill. So, take a break. Well, ok, if you REALLY want to wear a one-shoulder, make it a super-interesting or super-beautiful one, ok? Like this one.

5. NO SARAH JESSICA PARKER. EVER. ANYWHERE.

“Balls are to men what purses are to women.” – – SJP, Idiot.

6. A female-type person wearing a pants outfit that is not a tux. Perhaps some sort of edited version of this.

7. Some grilled cheese sandwiches for all those hungry actresses. Here, have a sandwich, lady. Mmmmmmm.

8. Prince. Why not? Also, his style rules. And, um, he’s PRINCE. Bow DOWN, bitches.

9. No EEKK! makeup. (EEva Longoria/Kim Kardashian Makeup)

You know, the “oh looky, i have on fourty thousand pounds of primer (to, uh, prime?), concealer (to conceal), foundation (to spackle) and powder (to set); topped with cheek stain (to glow), cream blush (to contour) and powder blush (to set); plus eyes topped with at least two sets of false lashes (to attract spider friends) with each genuine minkhair lash encased in four thousand coats of Dior mascara and curled into spikes with the ol’ Shu Uemura, and circles of black liquid eyeliner (for DRAMA); all completed by lips painted with balm (to smooth), primer (to, uh, prime???), a custom-blend of 2-5 lipstick shades mixed to create the perfect skin-tone match, gloss (to gloss) and lip plumper (to enhance the effects of that filler, baby)” look. It consists of wearing an incredible amount of makeup, all applied in neutral and nude shades, giving the delusional wearer the idea that she is sporting a “natural look”. However, piling on a load of nude-colored makeup does not make you look nude. Or natural. OBVIOUSLY.